GILF's, Drunks, Castle's and Penguins......

Just a quick update tonight to enlighten you all as to the antics of last night. What should have been a simple outing to the cinema (to see a kids film) turned out to be a hilarious evening (as always!).

So we arrived at the cinema to see Mr Popper's Penguins, a nice sweet film. After James nearly fainted at the price and after the first priceless Chloe moment "Would you like Standard or Premier seats?" "Standing???" No Chloe you don't have to stand!! We head for snacks and toilet stops, Chloe buys about 3 bits of pick and mix and i buy the biggest box of popcorn ever......... Cue the next Chloe tapping gem, "i don't think i've ever had popcorn before..." *Pause* "is it just popped corn"....... Mansell is at the counter ordering Cheesy nachos and trying to work out when he can get his next beer fix and is there any way that could be while we were in the cinema.... After a 10 minute wait the boy behind the counter comes back to tell James that there is no cheese........ *Chloe and Me turn and walk away*

We take our seats just behind the empty premier seats, i say we all take our seats, Chloe missed hers and nearly ended up sitting on the floor! A laughing fit ensued. This is an appropriate time to introduce Andrew's arse to the story.... I have NEVER smelt anything like it, and he kept occasionally dropping one in the cinema causing all of us to cover our faces and the people in the row behind to start fanning the air struggling to breathe! Once Mansell finally returns with the cheesy nacho's which by the way were apparently shit! The bromance moved to the row in front (premier seats) Chloe was reluctant incase the seat police came round. The smell continued for the whole of the film, which was actually quite sad, Chloe definitely thought so as she was nearly in tears by the end!

After a beer stop in the Hop House, which was as we described it was "banging" on a Saturday night we headed for Tapping Towers! After compulsory fuss making of Xena and Sparkle we decided we were hungry and that a kebab was a good idea. As the designated driver we piled back into the car, and headed for Wadhurst. We had the Tapping tour on the way pointing out various land marks and houses, one of which was a volunteer from work who shortly after passing her house was described as a GILF.......One stumbling point with this plan, it was late and the kebab shop was shut...... Oh well into Tunbridge Wells we go then. On route we all decided apart from Andrew that we needed a wee, so i dumped the car outside the barn and we strolled in to use their toilets... All i can say is WOW is that what you sound like when you have had a drink, lots of people shouting "i feel really drunk".

A strange experience being in the kebab shop sober and with no stolen/found clothing from the night out!

Back to Tapping Towers we go one hour after we set out in search of food... As we drive past Frant Station a car in front just stops... We beep, they indicate, we pull alongside, "you alright Mate" "yes Why" "Just asking as you have pulled over" "i'm fine fuck off" even stranger he was old and in sunglasses.....Surely nothing else can happen on a journey that lasts 10 minutes..... As we pull into Scotney there is a car pulled up on the side of the road, as we pull alongside (like security guards) someone gets out and flags us down "can you help me i'm lost, i'm looking for Castle Street Tonbridge" All of us in unison "Well thats not here", confusing directions were given and the poor guy left in search of Tonbridge... Very odd. Andrew tried to get his laptop to work for AGES and then we had the photo humiliation for Jamie, Bless him! After being fascinated by the riots in London, and with the alternative commentary from Chloe. Who in her own words "Can read it better than her on the TV". At 2:30 i thought i should probably make a move as i was working today :( Another hilarious and full of utter randomness evening with the Scotney Massive!

The snacks :)

Xena and Sparkle waiting for kebab :)

Most used word of the night- Bellend

In other news, work was dull, it rained (I hate the rain!), I had pasta for dinner and i go to Ibiza in 5 DAYS :)

Alloy wheels............What wheels with no rubber?

So two days off and what did i do with them......

Monday involved crazy golf and visiting Pickle and Tuesday was just a whole load of fun :) We packed a picnic loaded the car with everything you could think of including a Winnie the Pooh football and headed to Camber. The journey was amusing as i wasn't really sure on where i was going and managed to somehow stumble into Rye and then find signs for Camber! Bear in mind the last time i went it was pitch black and it was 4am on new years day, i was drunk and drinking champagne on the beach! We couldn't see where we were going and just ran until we hit water... Good times. Anyway back to Tuesday we parked in the Donkey car park and proceeded to walk up the steepest hill in the world, i thought my calves were going to... well i don't know but they bloody hurt. Ben was carrying the picnic that turned out to be really heavy due to the amount of diet coke i had stuffed in the bottom...... I didn't want to get dehydrated!

we pitched up once getting everything out and sorted we paddled in the sea to cool down and then started tucking into the food and listening to the radio when we turned round to see that the tide was coming in at a rapid rate and was about to get us soaking wet.... We picked everything up including the sunshelter tent and moved camp.... again we set up sat down and got ready to catch some rays, when again the tide came in this time that was it i was moving a long way back so third time lucky we had our space and we weren't moving Ben however decided that he was staying where he was and built himself a sand wall to stop the water...... he did manage to stay dry but looked like he had no friends as we all sat  behind him......

The day turned into football, volleyball (we weren't very good), swimming, sunbathing, digging holes, burying Ben, making castles, Frisbee, perving over over topless men and watching the DILF. The drive home was much less stressful following the signs and with my interesting national trust property commentary all the way back!

The snacks

The camp!

Wheres Ben!

Today however back to reality and back to a lonely office which looked like a bomb had hit whilst i hadn't been there! 

It was strangely busy and too hot at one point i thought i was about to burst into flames from the heat. It didn't help having to move the shop delivery....... but thats another story! We had bets on code 2's and other amusing scenarios managed to appear throughout the day. Cups of tea were drunk, cans of diet coke were opened and lots of banter was exchanged obviously because we all hate each others guts....... 

The most amusing conversation being had between Tel, Tapping Tanya and me regarding Tappings new car...... Amongst the conversations was the alloy wheel debate in which Tapping admitted that she wasn't really sure on what they were and i tried my hardest to explain that it's a metal wheel etc etc for her to say what a metal wheel with no rubber...... What can i say about that! She will also be the next F1 driver because clearly they are really easy to drive and exactly the same as her Corsa...... 

I would also love to see Tapping try and change the wheel on her car with a screwdriver in her own words "just a flat head screwdriver you know just unscrew the wheels and take them off"

The evening ended in a nice leisurely walk around the garden with the Tapping Trio, Xena panting like a small dog at the back having walked the longest distance ever in the heat, me and Andrew talking about Fiat 500's and Chloe just being Chloe! 

The Tapping's 

Oh and 9 days till Ibiza!

Jager Bomb, Jager Bomb, Jager Bomb

Jager bombs very dangerous things!

So it's Friday night you are going in town with friends from work whats the worst that could happen..............

I arrive by Porsche courtesy of Helen Smith, by the way i will only now travel by Porsche! Good start to the evening we meet Ross and Nicola and my downward spiral starts...... TN4- Long Island Ice Tea (containing 5 shots) Champagne Mojitos.......... Led down a dark Alley that actually turned out to be a very steep slope by Andrew Tapping...... The Other Tapping (mrs) appear making some very odd noises after nearly stacking it on several occasions due to her selection of footwear! We arrive at the last post just about in one piece... the sign on the door read "over 30's" it's been a while since i've worried about not being able to get into places.... it turns out that our party nearly doubled the amount of people in the place so i think they were happy for the custom...... Double Vodka's....... The staggering continues to P&P whilst screaming at James Mansell as he ran down the road to rekindle the Bromance.

More double vodkas, jager bombs, shots, more double vodkas.............. It's a strange concept when you see people in a completely different light for those of you who attended the evening you will know who i mean..... Helen was enjoying herself on the dance floor and then was joined by Mr T who threw some pretty awesome shapes :) After many toilet stops (for the Tapping), one of which James joined us in the ladies toilets this was shortly before he was asked not to even though in his own words "it's alright mate i know these two"

Helen stayed put we left in search of the kebab shop, Andrew ran ahead to order the food and we staggered (and yes i do mean that) towards the bottom of the hill, with me wearing Helen's cashmere as a headdress and behaving in a very irresponsible manner! Tapping fell to the floor in a very elegant fashion and the street pastors asked us if we were ok, offering flip flops which in hindsight we should have just taken for amusement value more than anything! This led to what shall only be described as a very interesting sit in a bus stop and then journey home!

The next day however was a totally different ball game.......... i now know what the feeling is when you wake up and can't move your head because you think you might just puke everywhere... i very cautiously made it downstairs, showered and into some form of outfit for work. Saw the night befores kebab in reverse and then drove (i actually don't know how) into work. I can safely say i felt grim all day and i'm not sure how i made it to the end of the day!!!! Especially when everyone else was off and recovering.

I think i remember the line "i'm never drinking like that again..." (we all know thats a lie!)

The Saturday night meant i was going out again this time to a festival in a field, strange concept but for a good cause and to support a good friend so all in all good fun :)

The week at work has been odd with bullies and people who we clearly all hate.....

Thursday night saw us descend upon Tunbridge Wells again, this time for Jim Stapely's gig at Trinity. A good fun night was had with The Tapping and Hels, after Kitsu (YUM) we headed for the Trinity to watch Jim. I have to say this because he is a friend but i do genuinely mean it he is a brilliant performer and i enjoyed every part of the evening... i enjoyed it even more once the drunks started falling about and providing the entertainment :)

Friday saw a day of practical jokes on Terry, wheelchairs, Tappings Backdoor trouble, people being sick, people needing help in toilets, prep for theatre productions, last days and lots of laughs.... Canterbury tales were........... interesting shall we say, not my cup of tea but the customers definitely seemed to enjoy it :) the evening was topped off by a trip to Tapping Towers. Which evolved into a late night/early morning looking at pictures and telling tales, i have to say very enjoyable and much needed after the excitement of previous events! Even if it did mean i got three hours sleep before work! (it was worth it for the Xena cuddles :)

My curse of having to attend first aid hasn't ended today saw me attending another one, there is something about Sundays.... This time it was in the house, just as me and George were about to have our compulsory "catch up" tea the radio goes "Chloe to George" odd as Chloe wasn't due to be working "the pager is going for the Red Bedroom" (you can hear the pager going nuts in the background) George disappears off and then comes back for me as it's first aid for a collapsed customer, who then proceeds to tell me that she feels really sick. All i can think is SHIT we are in the house please don't be sick on the carpet, walls, beds, books or ME. Luckily the Gooderson/Edwards combo got her outside before she puked everywhere. I do love dealing with customers sick and then writing pages of boring paperwork because people aren't responsible and sit in the sun and get sunstroke!

Later on i get a call from the car park about a volunteer who has left their dog in the car, i go to visit the car park and the dog i quote "i say dog it was big enough to ride" was going nuts in the back of the car. Off i go to find George to help me track down the ponies owners..... This lead to a casual chat in the corridor by the back door of the house, where we discussed the new Scotney rule...

Any pets big enough to be ridden must not be bought with you to work!

Tapping tries her new party trick!

Xena waiting for bedtime at about 2:30am

Yummy dinner 

Helen and Where's Wally at the gig! 

Days of Peace with a little bit (ok a lot) of war mixed in!

I felt so strongly about this that i will have blogged twice in one day! Today i went to the War and Peace show at the Hop Farm. As most of you will know from my many stories i worked there for what felt like forever but was in fact 5 years of my life! Therefore working 5 of these "different" events. Going today as a visitor was bringing back so many memories most of which good ones!

I remember in the beginning 2004 little or no knowledge of the event, loads of customers, our own special T-Shirts, litter picking (with Bert who at the time was the scariest man alive but was a big softy once you got to know him!) and generally just feeling really tired.

In 2005 i was part of the "Cru" we were and always will be the best set of staff that the Hop Farm will ever know and it was officially the best place to work. Again T-shirts issued we were poised on our tills in reception waiting to open the automatic doors at opening time! With a queue back down to the car park. 2005, saw the competition begin between two teams, myself and Ellen and Nancy and Amy, the competition was on to collect as many free items as possible from around the show whilst litter picking and trying to avoid Bert who if he caught you slacking would find you some horrible job to do! This was also the year Dieter thought it was hilarious to put me in the NAFFI shop, not so funny for me early starts and late finishes selling fags to people in fake uniforms carrying guns...... I think this may have been the first year that i attended the party on the Sunday evening although we didn't really know a lot of people at this point!

2006 saw the invasion of Simon Hume-Kendall, Debbie and Jan. Not really knowing a lot about these people, i worked in reception again by this point properly knowing what i was talking about, doing the currency exchange in the reception. I remember fondly starting at 7am every day getting set up and getting all the tills out of the safe room and then staying till the end cashing them all up.... I didn't really know a lot about Debbie and Jan at this point apart from they were running around in security uniforms acting like they knew everything and collecting money off us. Debbie had hired a campervan that was parked outside reception on the grass, we sat there and ate noodles one night after we had locked up, i seem to think that was the night that Debbie did her knee in, working the night shift and then couldn't walk the following day! The start of a friendship that would very much have an impact on my life ...... although there have been some rough patches i'm glad i made the choices that i did........

2007 my favourite year by this point i had my SIA license i had the stab vest and i was ready to see a whole other side of the show! I moved in to the caravan on the Saturday before the show and then duty began patrolling, checking on entrances, fences, campers etc. Then the show days began, more patrolling, plenty of eating, lots of cooking, lots of laughter and excellent company in Malcolm's swamp, especially with the pole dancing and radio war and peace the explicit version as well as good time in the Barmy Army encampment. Then the public days began, Red official shirt and the day job to do running the admissions in the day and then the black security uniform in the evening. Working from 6am in the morning when the officials breakfast and briefing began until the bars shut the following morning at 3am for 5 days solid. Sorting out fights in bars, sleeping on loads of money, First aid, getting up in the middle of the night not knowing what the hell is going on, gas and air consumption with the one and only Medix team and lots of funny moments. Best of all quad biking in the arena once everyone else has gone obviously checking all was "safe". The weather was grim the ground was like a mud bath but the spirit of the show remained and all was well at Beltring. The party this year was something else, the best of the best, everyone was there and i had the free drink vouchers always a winner. It was a good night although the drink went straight to my head having had about 15 hours sleep over the past 5 days! Debbie my partner in crime didn't make it to the party, she was too tired but me Katey and Kate stayed in the caravan that night, i seem to remember they all got sent home from work the next day for being too hungover/drunk?!? This was after Kate fell asleep on the grass outside!

2008 was to be my final War and Peace and i only managed the run up security duties and the first public day before i was rushed into hospital direct from the show........ However i could feel it changing it wasn't the same Debbie was about to have Charlie, Reception was being run by others and Jon Rush was after my job! The 5th and final War and Peace actually marked the end of my time there and i have to say there were a lot of other tales of War and Peace that aren't suitable to be told on here!

Fantastic memories and what a show to be a part of you don't realise what goes into it until you get under it's skin and made one of the team!

Booking in, yes it was slightly damp, somebody crashed into someone else because they couldn't stop!

Dinner in the luxury of the freelander aka death trap

The 2007 team :) 

They do take it a bit far sometimes!

Cadburys, National Trust, Alton Towers, Take That, Random Waffling all with a touch of Purple Rain!

It feels like forever since i last blogged but for some reason i had a massive urge to update it so hold on tight here we go!

So since i was last here a lot has happened the Tic Tac has well and truly gone and the DOJ is back on the road :) Running like a diamond and already racking up the miles on the new engine.

I've been all over the place mainly on my little holiday with Robyn, Cadbury world, stayed in a Travel lodge somewhere where i thought i might get stabbed in the night (it was above a wilko's), then on to Derby again not so sure on my safety! Main incident at that Travel lodge was Robyn being allergic to the washing powder on the sheets on the most uncomfortable bed EVER! So she slept hardly at all and witnessed me sleeping like i was in a coffin :( Visited Calke Abbey which was amazing and well worth a visit to anyone who is up that way! Then off to the main highlight ALTON TOWERS :) Two fun filled days of screaming, feeling like you are going to vom and then going and doing it again because you think it's fun! Thirteen was awesome and totally not what i expected, and because of the awesome National Trust discounts it was cheap as chips as well which is always a bonus! One downside the skyride wasn't working that meant walking everywhere FAIL that valley and gardens look all quaint and nice not so much...... they are steep and horrible i nearly died on the walk over there.....

Now a selection of pictures for you from the 2 albums that i will shortly be uploading to Facebook......

 

Calke Abbey on a bit of a dark day.

Me outside the Alton Towers Hotel our home for the night :)

Highlight of Alton Towers THIRTEEN

An oldie but a good one none the less 

We left our mark at Cadbury world in Chocolate :)

So next is a little musical update recently i seem to have branched out into listening to some new music and discovering some awesome remixes of some classics. The past month or so has also been massive on the live music front for me as well. I went to Take That twice.... at Wembly Stadium, amazing evenings both times although the first time would have been better without the 5 hour car journey to get there FAIL. But the boys didn't disappoint the evenings were both great and Robbie was ok i suppose. 

A little glimpse of the action as we got covered in yellow confetti! 

But bigger and better than Take That which i never thought i would say was the Scotney Massive outing to the Hop Farm Festival! What a day... thanks to Lorna Morris i somehow managed to end up in the hospitality suite for the Hop Farm, so got to see loads of faces... some i didn't want to see but hey ho! I had a few to many pints of cider but it was all god fun and was an awesome day. The main attraction though was amazing, Prince blew everyone away and i have to say that at the beginning i wasn't really looking forward to Prince but The Tapping and George assured me he would be worth the wait and worth the ticket price! I've never seen such a diverse audience at a festival, it was quite something to see and after 3 encores he finally finished and everyone was buzzing. I don't remember much more than comparing how much i had, had to drink with James and then wondering why i felt like i did........ oh and playing "Where are you?" "I'm on the Bus" "Where are you" "I'm on the Bus too" REALLY loud on the bus on the way back to the station :) Excellent company, excellent music, just plain awesome! Plus i now have Prince's greatest hits in the car and can't stop listening to it :) 

We arrive and set up camp!

There he is, and the purple thing is heading for us! 

There has been so much going on! Christmas Parties in June, nights out on the town, accidents, incidents and lots of laughing along the way. One of the genius creations in my life at the moment is the Scotney Quote Board. Ever since i have worked in a tourist attraction i have always said i should write a book because so many things happen that are so funny and you always forget them. So i got slammed at work for not using my pin board above my desk what can i say i'm just not organised enough to be using one! I decided i was going to make mine into the quote board (living up to our expectations of the "Fun" office), to give you an insight into the board:

"A Siamese cat, is that a cat with a twin?" - Mike Lynch 

"I'm only 5ft and even i can get my leg over" - The Tapping 

"As long as my lips are moist i'll be fine" - The Tapping 

And many more talking about Baby Kangaroo's, Geriatric wards and Chatham Matalan! If you ever get the opportunity to visit our office don't miss it :) 

So it's only 3 weeks and 2 days till Ibiza, what more needs to be said to end a blog...........

Time for a Brew Anyone, maybe in 30 days?

Ok so it's been a few days since i last posted, it's been a busy few days. 

Yesterday was awesome went to Thorpe Park and there were very few queues so we got on everything and some things twice with the longest queue being about 15 minutes for saw! Even better news than that is that the Teacups have now been branded by Tetley! I'm unsure why this made me so happy but it was awesome fun!

So here i find myself on my 3rd day off this week, so this morning i went out with approximately 80 OAP's on vintage bikes + my dad for a ride around Kent. We started at Teston and ended up in Canterbury. At which point someone realised that we had gone the wrong way and everyone had followed! Woops, so me and my dad left quietly and went to McDonalds :) 

There was talk that the DOJ might be back on the road today BUT sad time it doesn't look like it's going to be today :( A few more days of the tic tac it is then. 

There seems to be this new craze on facebook with the 30 day challenges, movies, music etc. 30 days i don't have time to waste so i thought while i sit here i'll just answer the questions anyway!:

1: Favourite Film- Shutter Island

2: Least Favourite Film- Kevin and Perry, I never saw the fascination 

3: Favourite Comedy- The American Pie Series (They will never grow old just pure genius)

4: Favourite Drama- The Queen (yes Robyn i know there will be ultimate mickey taking about this selection, however it is one of my favourite films so....)

5: Favourite Action- Minority Report 

6: Favourite Horror- The Amityville Horror (the more modern one is awesome)

7: Favourite Animated Feature: Happy Feet (penguins HELLO)!

8: Favourite Thriller- Shutter Island (Also listed as my favourite film, discovered by accident but an amazing find)

9: Favourite Musical- Grease (A Classic!)

10: A favourite Foreign Film- Apocalypto 

11. Favourite Kids Movie- Toy Story (both new and old)

12: Favourite Love Story: The Holiday 

13. Favourite Chick Flick- The Devil Wears Prada 

14: Favourite Documentary- The Queens Castle (just fascinating)

15: Favourite Play Adaptation- I don't actually know 

16: Favourite Book Adaptation- Lord of the Rings 

17: Least Favourite Book Adaptation- Enduring Love (what a pile of poo!)

18: Film that is your guilty pleasure- High School Musical 

19: Film that made you cry the hardest- My sisters keeper (seriously never cried like it)

20: Movie with your favourite actress- The Queen (Helen Miram) 

21: Movie with your favourite actor- Wild Wild West (Will Smith)

22: Movie you wish you could live in- Sex in the City (just could it would be LOL) 

23: Movie that inspires you- It may sound stupid but something like Legally Blonde as she proves that you can do whatever you want in life as long as your willing to work for it!

24: Movie with your favourite soundtrack- High School Musical (*blushes* i know all the words) 

25: Movie with the most beautiful scenery- What happens in vegas (hello it's vegas of course it's beautiful!) 

26: Movie your most embarrassed to say you like- Racing Stripes 

27: Movie with your favourite villain- Spiderman 

29: Movie with your favourite hero- Wild Wild West- Love a bit of will smith

30: Last movie you watched- 8 mile, i hadn't seen it for ages!

Sooooo i've just wasted a lot of life filling in that do i feel any better for it..... NO 

"Baked Potato'

So Grimmers was talking about "the baked potato song" on radio 1 so i thought i would check it out,  VERY strange experience! I have to say that i don't really understand.....

So it's a Friday evening that is technically my Wednesday (confusing i know), in my joggers, bottle of Kopparberg in one hand, Benidorm on the telly. Talking of Benidorm i really want to go and visit the hotel where it's filmed! Especially when there is someone eating a full english breakfast and wearing a hat that says bummer on it! Unfortunately that is my humour and about as serious and amusing as my actual life!

I keep getting distracted by facebook, it keeps beeping at me to tell me that someone is talking to me, how can i be popular nobody ever talks to me on facebook, but in the past few days i've had very long and meaningful conversations with lots of very good friends.

I have nothing else to say this evening other than farewell and goodnight!